Power Balls, Food, Spirituality, and the Culture of Shaming

[content warning: in-depth talk about food, mention of sizeism, mention of diets, talk about chronic illness, mention of diet-shaming]

***Before I begin I just want to name that my body is pretty "average" sized and that I don't consider myself a target of sizeism; I've also never struggled with an eating disorder. That is my background to consider while reading this. I welcome critiques, call-outs, and call-ins alike if you see anything I write that is questionable.***

Peanut butter, chocolate, maca powder, sun flower seeds, flax seeds, chia seed meal, molasses, honey, coconut oil, and coconut milk went into my food mixer today to make what I think will be my perfect compliment to my morning smoothie and coffee. I read recently that maca is great for people who have uteruses and need some serious love, nurturing, and attention when it comes to menstruating. So I decided to whip some of these up and help myself to one (or two or more) a day!! Yayy!! I might post pics tomorrow.

They were inspired by a dear friend and co-berry, Coco. She made her famous Coco Balls (its funny because her name is Coco and they are chocolate... get it?) for one of our harvesting trips and they were so incredibly perfect. I don't think they had maca in them, but they were some of the most delicious, sweet, nutritionally-dense things I'd ever had. I'm sure you'll come to find through reading my blog that I LOVE DESSERT!! I love sweets. So freaking much I do.

It's very exciting to me because they are sweet so they serve a double purpose for me. They can be a sweet dessert and a serious health aid all at once. As I said in an earlier post, I am just now learning how to treat my body kindly and nourish it with foods that it (not my mind) asks for. I am reading a book called Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth right now. Despite "god" being in the title, it's not about weird patriarchal gods or christianity. The main point of it is that we need to love ourselves, aspire to stop judging ourselves, and to eat in a way that nourishes not only our body but also our spirit. She says that sometimes we eat because we feel disconnected and malnourished... either due to trauma, pain, or disconnection from our spirit. I have critiques but all in all, it really resonates with me. It's very anti-diet (in the "I'm going on a diet!" sense), and extremely pro-self-love (two of my favorite things!). I feel uncertain about how body positive it is. She asserts that we have a "natural body weight" that we return to when we learn to listen to our bodies, but she doesn't say what that body weight is, leaving it open to the reader... I interpret that as a kind of health-at-every-size attitude. It's really hard because I know she's writing for the masses and maybe can't be as transparent as she'd like to be. She's subtly slipped feminist things here and there. Sometimes though, I wish I could just ask her myself like, "you think women are beautiful in all bodies, right?!" or "you believe that people can be healthy at any size, yeah?"... but I can't so like, I'm doing that thing where I deal with the mild discomfort of not knowing, and take all the gems from the parts I do understand.

Mostly what has totally transformed my life as of late is the idea that when I feel compelled to eat when I'm not hungry, I need to really check in with myself because those are probably places I need to examine and grow into. I know that sometimes I eat when I'm not hungry because it satisfies a place in me that I don't know how to care for. And that what I choose to eat when I do that is often things that make my body feel sick after or send me into fits of internal self-shaming. When I think about times when those parts of me feel nourished, I'm brought back to spiritual times mostly. Times when I felt loved and held, times when I felt connected to spirit- as if she were talking to me directly and whispering messages of love into my ear. I think of afternoon naps cuddling with my partner, our fluffy cat nuzzled between us, or sharing a laugh- remembering how and why we fell in love, or at the end of a conflict where I can reflect on how much we have changed and grown together. I think of times that I felt trusted and valued, generosity of friends and family, singing magical songs, saying prayers to plants and thanking them for sharing their wisdom and their medicine, being able to offer my love and support to others... And sometimes I think of a delicious and wholesome meal that engaged and livened all of my senses. I realize that food is a simultaneously big and small part of what truly nourishes me, and that I have a lot of work to do when it comes to figuring out this business of being healthy in a mind-body-spirit sort of way.

The second part is that when I am hungry, I need to listen to my body. I need to know what it wants, what it craves, what will nourish my spirit. Lately I've remembered that eating yummy, whole foods that are organic make me feel really good. Especially when they are locally sourced. I like knowing that my food didn't have to travel a gillion miles on a freighter to get to me. I like knowing that my liver won't have to work super hard sifting through the pesticides and crap on conventionally-grown produce. I like knowing that (at least some of) my food came from a farm that pays their employees a living wage. I like feeling assured that so much love and care went into getting those foods to me, and that I in turn will do right by this process by preparing the food with love and care. Canning my tomatoes, making tomato paste, making jars of pickles, preparing weekly meals filled with fresh produce, all of these things and so much more nourish me on a deep, spiritual level. Hearth work is spirit work. Hearth is the center. Spirit is the center. So what better way to get in tune with your spirit than by connecting with your food? Kitchen witchery is profound. This I know. So on one hand, I need to know how to nourish myself wholly... on the other hand, I need to know that when food is in the equation, I must make decisions that will not leave me feeling depleted in the end.

One critique that I definitely feel like I can articulate is that sometimes I feel like mindfulness practices around the body can be hard for people like myself living with chronic pain and illness. Sometimes being aware of my body brings attention to the physical pain I experience, or my intense fatigue, or dizziness and sometimes I really do need some space from awareness of that. Its hard because mindfulness practices have enhanced my life in many ways, and at the same time I am so aware of how extra-challenging it is when you have chronic pain. Or for that matter, for people dealing with mental health stuff. Or people with eating disorders. Or people with trauma related to the body. While I think mindfulness can have a healing impact, I'm not sure it's right for everyone.

But being real... this isn't about everyone else. This is a blog post about myself.

How anyone else deals with food, deals with mindfulness, with their bodies, isn't my business or anyone's business but their own. I want to say this because I see way too much diet and body shaming, and I do not think that is okay. Having been chronically anemic for many years, I've heard my fair share of "oh, have you tried spinach?" or "are you eating enough red meat?" when in fact the #1 cause of my anemia is the fact that I have long, heavy periods. I have those heavy periods likely because I have thyroid problems. The body's main source of iron is recycled from its own blood supply, and the biggest cause of anemia is massive amounts of blood loss. To boot, I have digestive issues which make iron absorption through food even more challenging.

My point here is that if you think you have something meaningful to say to someone about their dietary choices, or about their bodies, you should re-think it. Then re-think it a second time, and a third time, until you come to the decision that you actually shouldn't say anything at all.

Unless someone asks you, "what do you think about my diet?" or "I'm interested in shifting my relationship to food... do you have any input?" you should probably keep your mouth shut. And I shouldn't have to say here that commenting on people's bodies without their consent is a violating act.

So this blog is about me and I swear if I ever see some turd using my words to justify a shitty, passive-aggressive (and likely sizeist and ableist) agenda on anyone, I will put a curse on you that any place you sit to eat at the servers are rude and everyone around you gives you dirty looks.

And the only thing that can break the curse is understanding why your actions were wrong and never, ever doing it again.

Do not fuck with this witch.